Small Moments

Chai lattes are special. They remind me of coffee dates with my mom. She prefers it over coffee and the two of us crave it in the afternoons. Once in our hands this sense of relief washes over and all is good till the last drop. We go for chai dates often and now we go to remember Ryan.

Chai lattes also remind me of my son. I can still hear him say 'chai watte' and the memory pulls on my heart. This memory makes my heart feel heavy and sad, with a small smile. These coffee house runs are such good memories, I wish I still had him by my side when I walk to get one now.

Ryan and I would frequent coffee shops, our favorite being Starbucks. It was a special treat and Ryan would love coming with me. He would eagerly ask for a 'hot coc-wate', he would always ask for whipped cream and I would always turn him down.

You don't need the whipped cream, hot chocolate is enough.

OK! He would say.

He knew once he got the chance to go with my mom she would get him extra whipped cream.

As Abuelas (grandmas) always love to indulge in a little spoiling.

Ryan began to remember I always ordered a chai latte and at home he would pretend to make them for me. "Here is your chai mom with whipp ceeem!" As if he was trying to show me, look I get you whipped cream!

This morning I made a homemade chai latte and all these memories came flowing back. Like steam rising from a warm cup of chai, these moments rose up and swirled around in my mind. I closed my eyes and saw us walking hand in hand. Smiling at each other, me anticipating his requests. I'd open the door and he would run into line. I yearn for those moments again. I feel heavy and sad ... but I can't help but smile a small smile.

I'm thankful for these small moments with my son.

These small moments, thank God I have three and a half years full of them.

I love you Ryan.

I miss you Ryan.

I'm drinking my chai with you Ryan.

Always.