Golden Gate Bike Ride

Dan and I have made a promise to each other. We promised that in the midst of mourning our son, we would try our hardest to do things that remind us of him. We promised to try and continue to live. When we became parents we promised to do everything for our son ... We are still parents and we will continue to do everything for our son. It's that simple. If we stop running, stop smiling, stop laughing then we aren't doing anything for our son. We made our son and he ran like us, smiled like us and laughed like us. We are his parents and he is the perfect mixture of Irish red hair and Spanish fury.

And So...

We won't roll over and die. We will roll over and live as our lasting promise to our son.

Ryan loved watching videos of himself. I have a ton of video clips of Ryan being perfectly obnoxious. Although I can't watch them at the moment, I will save them obviously. When Dan and I have the heart to watch and re-live those moments we will. To be perfectly honest I am beyond afraid to watch videos of our son. Photos I can handle looking at if I'm in the right mood...I also can't be alone when I look because then I spiral into a dark angry place of "Why God, Why?!". However, looking at photos of my son with my family alongside me makes my heart swell. I love to see the smile he brings to there faces, and I feel tiny comfort. Does that make sense? Who cares...Trying to make sense of things is impossible and not worth much. I'm learning to live with the pain instead of trying to make sense of it.

Anyways, Ryan loved watching videos of himself and his family. He knew how to work in iPhone and he would love to replay video clips on his own.

Over and over and over again.

I made this ridiculously geeky video of my husband Dan and I biking over the Golden Gate bridge. I made it for my son. I know he was biking with us in the moment, but now he has this video to replay.

Over and over and over again.

Ryan Cruz, your mommy and daddy are trying to live in your honor. We are trying dude, really hard.

Trying over and over and over again.