Waves

The darkness comes in waves.

The pain is sometimes unbearable and yet I can't do anything to subside it. I can't do much else than force myself to continue breathing. These nasty dark moments happen through out the day and they are the absolute worst at night. The dark thoughts flow through my mind, they knock the wind out of me and then proceed to linger for a while.

The darkness comes in waves.

These waves bring on thoughts of my husband screaming as he ran into the house after my son got hit. Then I continue to replay my screams and I see myself running with panic. Then my mind switches to my son's smile. His laugh. What knocks the wind out of me is the fact that my son isn't here anymore. I don't have any physical responsibilities as a mother anymore. The lingering thoughts are equally as painful. I think about what my son loved. I'm reminded everyday of every. single. little thing he loved. And its hard. It is the hardest to try and continue with out my son. Because sometimes, I want to die too.

The darkness comes in waves.

It is worth noting because writing out the real, raw truth helps a bit. Maybe if I write out the thoughts they will slowly stop. Or not stop, but at least ease. Through the waves I feel faint strength. It begins to seep in and it catches me before things go black. That is why I'm still here. The strength I feel is my son vibrating though my body. He is why I'm able to muster a laugh or smile. He is making sure I see the light during the waves of darkness.