La La Land With My Littles

It is actually quite often I get emotional after seeing movies or listening to songs that strike a cord within me. I tend to cry, listen or watch things again and again. I've always been that way. Sometimes when I see or listen to things I feel like they were made for me. Do things ever make you feel like that? Like certain pieces of art were meant for me to see, to hear. I let myself get caught up in it all and it honestly feels good at times. It feels good to let things make me feel, make me remember. I love when things make me remember certain things from my past. Recently, I watched La La Land and though it was a love story that really doesn't seem like it would play much into my life ... it was the backdrop and character of Los Angeles that resonated with me. It was where the scenes where sung and danced upon that struck an emotional cord within me and left me reeling. Left me yearning for my children and the places we frequent. The love story to me translated to the love story between me and my children. The fierce, fiery fight to achieve your dreams had me thinking thats what I want for my children. Hell, that is what I want for myself too. La La Land or Los Angeles rather is truly a place of brightly lit dreams and all of us are chasing after them. Myself included.

Now, after I see movies that hit home I gush about them. Though isn't that what you do when you find something you relate to? You talk about it, think about it. Maybe we do it more internally or maybe we share our random thoughts with close friends. Something that we can relate to ... isn't that what we all are searching for while on our path of life? Someone or something relatable, so as not to feel so alone. To not feel alone or maybe sometimes to help bring back memories that find themselves lost after a while.

At the risk of sounding too nutty, I have to say I truly loved this movie for many reasons. The colors, the music, the dance, Ryan Gosling ;) A few of the scenes made me think about my children and the places we visit to have fun. One place in particular I go with my daughter Mila to feel the spirit of my son Ryan. Griffith Park Observatory will always be a place where I can go to spend time with both my children, a pleasure I don't have on a day to day basis. I can't physically feel both my children at once, but in certain places I can feel my son, his spirit gleams brighter in places where we shared so many great adventures. Does that make sense?

When Ryan was about 2 months old my mother came to visit. I was in that new mom rut of really not knowing what the hell I was doing. Newborns were a territory unknown to me and lost I couldn't figure out what to do in between the feedings, diapers and naps. My mom helped me pack a bag, folded up the stroller and found a place we could go walk around. A place that had a beautiful view, a beautiful museum and a popular landmark in the distance. A place with a large green grass area perfect for picnics. We ventured to the Griffith Park Observatory and I was hooked. The views took my breath away. I was also stunned by how simple it was to take an infant places. After that first visit, I took Ryan there just us two nearly ever week. His first year of life lived in front of that Griffith backdrop. He learned how to run fast on that sprawling green grass. Three and half years we spent traipsing around that historic spot. Historic to Los Angeles. Historic to us.

Once Ryan was in Heaven I never went back. I cut ties with a lot of places we frequented. Simply because it hurt just too damn bad. I hated that these places still kept going. Why couldn't they just close down? Go away, go up into the skies with my son. I wanted to just give up on all things us. For a moment I wanted nothing to do with what once was. It took nearly two years to venture back to our sacred La La Land jewel. My first time back I came with Ryan's little sister in tow. Feeling stronger, feeling nostalgic over the memories I made there with my son. Feeling hopeful for the memories to be made there with my daughter in our future. Oh please may she loves this place just as much as her big brother. As I walked around the observatory I felt so good. The sun warming up my back, the warmth I new was my son. He was there. I was sure of that.

That day I went back to Griffith Park was quite some time ago. It was a pretty fantastic day. I'll always remember that day because it was the first time I ever felt both my children at once. Since that first visit back, Mila and I have been quite a few times. We walk around, but her and I hike a bit around in the hills near the observatory. Something I never did with Ryan. Mila and I making our own mark, our own memories. This place has really become a playground for us. All three of us!

As life goes on, memories and feelings fade. Things get dusty in your mind. Work becomes priority and special mementoes get lost. If it weren't for songs, tastes of certain foods, scents or in this case movies, we'd lose certain memories forever! La La Land brought me back to that special day at the Griffith Observatory. The music, the love everything just brought me back to when I held both my children at once. It made me realize that we, my children and I, are on this path of achieving our dreams. Together we are carrying each other through life singing happy and sad songs. You can't have life with out both happy and sad. My son taught me that. I imagine us dancing in the clouds, I imagine Ryan guiding his sister and I, I imagine me and my two children together laughing. All from a movie. (I bet I sound like a nut bag huh?)

I'm not sure if my reaction to this film was correct. I know I always think about my children. I know this week has been a pretty emotional one for me and it also was the week I went to see La La Land two times in a row. I know I am always emotional and when things resonate with me I can't shake it. Though this all may seem like babble, it makes sense to me. The film was stunning and it brought me back to a pretty monumental day.

I'll continue to dance with my little ones around our city of stars ...