Helpful Thoughts + Direction For Raising Anti Bias Children
To be honest, the thing we’ve done the most in terms of talking about race, inclusion, and oppression with Mila has been mostly through reading books. We shared last month all the new books we purchased for our children’s library that feature Black people of color, showcase important Black people in history, and celebrate their differences. You can see that post HERE and find links to the titles. In addition to two books I bought for myself and Dan which we have found extremely helpful! We’ve also started a monthly kids book club called Mila’s Reading Corner - A Kids Book Club Centered Around Diverse Reads. You can learn more about that HERE and find out which book we began with as well as a fun printable activity you and your children can do together after reading the book.
June was extremely heavy. July is proving to be just as devastating if not more so. I’ve been learning a whole hell of a lot and my brain is blown at how ignorant I’ve been to most everything. Covid-19 is still terrifying. Millions of people are hurting. There is a lot going on and if I’m being totally honest I have let it all seep in and overcome me. I’ve let myself feel the weight of it all. I’m slowly making moves, processing what is happening. Searching for positivity. Despite the despair, I am proud of the growth myself and my family has made so far. I’ve been a little more quite on social media lately because there is just so much to digest and learn. I guess the good thing here is that I’m not going anywhere, staying home has allowed for much needed growth.
We can do this. We can get through this. If you are feeling heavy too I send you a virtual hug!
Supporting Black Lives Matter, donating to organizations that fight for Black justice, learning how to be antiracist. Just HOW are we to actually to raise anti bias children? It seems daunting and it is. I keep leaning on these five words, take the time to learn. Every time I come across something unfamiliar I stop and take the time to truly learn. We are being inundated with text, graphics, videos, artwork. Even this very blog post may seem like too much. Everyone from family to friends to random people you follow on social media are sharing content and it is so easy to get overwhelmed. I have made it a rule to only take in a little at one time and if I come across anything I have zero clue on, I have to take a time out and do some research. It has been breathtaking at how much I truly did NOT know. Right now I’m reading a book called ‘So You Want To Talk About Race’ and I’ll come across a term or reference that I have no clue about. I’ll stop and take the time to Google and read up on it before moving forward with the book.
An example, I had no idea what microagressions were. I had read a handful of things that reference microagressions before I finally got over myself and looked up the term. After educating myself about microagressions and realizing that I’ve said and done a handful of them in my lifetime, I now know how to avoid them. Truly take the time to learn. As it helps with personal growth and moving in the right direction. It seems simple enough, though it took me a bit of time to get over feeling embarrassed that I didn’t know a lot of things. And I think it is worth making ourselves feel uncomfortable right now. Keeping comfortable doesn’t offer much in terms of truly learning.
I recently took a webinar that was centered around raising anti bias children and fostering inclusivity. It was actually hosted by Mila’s preschool which I’m so grateful for, and since we all couldn’t take part, I thought I’d share the greatest take aways here with you. Kai-lee Berke an early childhood educator and curriculum + assessment author shared helpful information on raising anti bias children during the webinar. Below are some of her quotes that really hit home for me as well as some notes I took down through out her talk. I’ve sort of just bullet pointed things out and typed exactly what I had written down. I felt inspired after this webinar and I hope what I share below is helpful. Even in the smallest way, it is better than nothing! *Keep in mind these are guidelines and personal notes, try to adapt some of them that work for you and your family specifically! I am in no way instructing you to do anything. Please leave your own thoughts, insight and what works for you and your family in the comments below!
Goals of Anti Bias Education with Young Families
-Strengthen children’s sense of self and family.
-Support their joy in human diversity.
-Enable them to gain the cognitive and social/emotional tools to recognize hurtful behavior & speak up when they spot unfairness.
-Develop the confidence and skills to work with others to build inclusive, fair ways of being in a community.
“If adults go silent about things that children are seeing and trying to understand, children absorb the emotional message that the subject is dangerous and should not be talked about” Keeping the quote in mind, here are some guidelines for family conversations that Kai-lee Berke shared;
-Find out what your children think by listening to them and ask them questions.
-Tell them the truth! For me I feel like this is the most important point. My mom was always an advocate for telling kids the truth and growing up my mother never sugar coated anything. I think my brother, sister, and I were better for it. Whenever Mila asks us questions we deliver answers truthfully, in simple sentences she can understand. And it is important to actively check in with how she feels after things have been explained to her. This is something that is forever evolving. We don’t just explain things once and move on. We explain things, talk about them. Check in with Mila. And circle back again and again.
-State the justice issues. Simply put, explain to your children what it means when things are fair and unfair. Give them examples of how things might be easier for those with light skin vs those with dark. Be honest with how your family partakes in your own privileges. Don’t feel guilty! Acknowledge it, address it, and give your children tools on how to support those who don’t have the same privileges as they do. I found this helpful because so often I see people getting defensive when their own privileges are being pointed out. There is no need to get defensive or jump to feeling guilty. The important thing here is to become fully aware of your privilege, acknowledge it, and use it to then help + support others who don’t have the same.
-Speak your family values. Use phrases like “In our family…” “This is what I believe…” It is important to share your own personal experiences with your children. Try to steer clear of saying things like “We are all the same and we should love everyone no matter what!” That is great and has some truth to it. BUT we are in fact all different and those differences is what we need to talk about. Those differences need to be honored. And yes we need to love everyone no matter our differences. Though teaching out children to not see our differences or gloss over them isn’t starting them off on the right foot.
Raising children is hard work and actively raising anti bias children takes some serious intention. (Spoiler Alert it is life long work) Take small steps here to do things the right way that makes sense for you. For us I am finding it a little harder since Mila isn’t actually attending school right now. The only people she sees is her family and we all look nearly the same. So like I said before, we are reading a whole host of books. Having a ton of conversations and pulling example scenarios that include her friends from school to give her some context.
It is important to note that this takes time and once again, is life long work. Our journey here isn’t done once Mila (+Maya) have read all their new books. The conversations need to keep happening and they will. Leave your positive thoughts and insight in the comments below! I’d love to keep the conversation going with you all here.
