Learning Sisterhood
This past month has been a total whirlwind and yet if feels life we’ve barely left our house. Those first few weeks with a newborn are always like that though as you try to find your new balance and routine. There are really good moments swirled with really tiresome moments. Some moments are blurred by little sleep and others are burned into your memory … like when your infant smiles at you for the first time. Luckily, I’ve experienced this all with baby Maya as she embarks on her sixth week of life. However, with the beauty comes pain. I’ve been experiencing major guilt, feelings of failure, and overall I just feel completely lost.
Bringing a baby home turns things upside down for a while and it seems that our things when upside down and came crashing back down broken a bit. It started off so sweet and surreal. When my girls met for the first time my heart melted and I just couldn’t believe how fierce my love for them felt coursing through my body. In that moment it felt heavenly. Watching Mila extend her hand to touch her baby sister was such a gift! I’ve never felt so grateful in my life than I had in that moment watching the girls meet each other. My mind encompassed my girls and my son who I believe was in that room with us too. Somehow, someway as we sat there with Mila and the baby our family clicked into place. We’ll forever be missing a piece. Though within tender moments like that, I can feel him through out. Ryan and his little sisters.
Upon coming home, the high we felt lasted for days. Since the baby was born on a holiday we had a bunch of family in town that offered to take Mila for us. Which was great because it let Dan and I tag team the baby and rest more than if we had Mila at home. It also gave Mila some time. It gave me time with just the baby which was blissful. Once Mila was home the fun really began. We knew going into this that becoming a big sister would be hard for Mila. Especially because through out my pregnancy she was not afraid to let us know she wasn’t thrilled about the situation. We knew Mila would show off different behavior in efforts to get the attention back on her. We thought we were prepared for it.
To be clear, Mila loves Maya. She truly does. She likes to sing her songs, play with her on the baby’s play mat, and talks to her nonstop. If the baby is crying she’ll go to her and say “It’s OK baby Maya! ” Within the first two weeks of sisterhood things were going ok. We went on family walks, we watched movies, and baked cookies. I took Mila to the grocery store and Starbucks like we used to. We didn’t venture far from home but things felt like we were doing alright! There was only one hiccup when Mila poked the baby’s eye. Which to be honest was more of a mistake than anything. We planned Mila’s big birthday trip to Disneyland with just Dan and I. Leaving her little sister behind with my mom. I stupidly thought “I got this!”
After some time adjusting Mila started to have really terrible tantrums over things that used to be so simple. Like if we asked her to put her shoes on or if I had to brush her hair she’d just fall apart and cry. Not to say Mila never acted out like that before her sister arrived, she just started to do so more often and more intense after her sister came. A lot of the time her tantrums turned angry and left us both crying on either side of her bedroom door. Mila started to blatantly not listen when we asked her to do things. I started to notice that she listened to Dan way more than me. She wanted to play with Daddy in her room alone while I stayed in the living room. They even developed an inside joke together which I should have thought was endearing. But I let it hurt my feelings. I missed my girl and hated that she was showing me so much defiance. Almost as if to tell me that she was upset with me.
I found myself feeling anxious when Dan went off to work because it was easier when he was home with us. I felt overwhelmed. Trying desperately to hold on to the things Mila and I used to do together before the baby. Then only to have Mila scream and cry because I wanted her to put on a jacket before going outside. Everything started to become an issue and take forever. I felt (and still feel) lost. I know Mila misses having it just be me. Which I try to console with taking her out just us two. But at the moment it just isn’t enough. It looks like it will take more time for us both to fully adjust to me having to split my attention. Dan and I are working together to try and help Mila learn this sisterhood thing. I feel guilty for playing a part in her heartbreak. I feel guilty for feeling guilty. On New Years day Mila had what felt like the largest tantrum of the century. Again it was because she wasn’t listening about putting on her shoes. We were trying to get things together to take a walk to the park. Things sort of snowballed and in the end we never made it to the park. After the dust settled Mila went outside with Dan and I could hear them laughing from inside. I just broke down. Tears flowed heavy and I felt like I had lost. I know this is just a season of life where we all have to re-learn our lives. Though looking back at my relationship with Mila I see us as partners who did everything together. I truly miss that. I miss our spontaneity. We can still have what was, it just takes a bit longer to get there I guess. A lot more prep. Hopefully soon I will have something similar with both girls in tow.
When you have multiple kids people tell you so many things. Though I don’t know if anyone really let on how difficult it truly is. I guess it looks different for every family. Maybe some kids welcome a baby and really take to sharing their parents positively. No one though told me that both myself and Mila would need a good moment to mourn what our relationship used to be. No one told me that I’d feel so sad or feel like I’ve ruined something so good. We are all overjoyed about baby Maya, but I do want to be truthful about the things that have been difficult. I’m also hoping I’m not the only mom out there who has experienced something similar? Is there somewhere out there can tell me that we’ll all find our rhythm soon?
We aren’t adjusted yet. We haven’t arrived at any answer that will magically whisk away the tantrums and crying. There is no real answer, we just have to keep doing what we are doing. Spending time with just Mila is vital as is spending time with both girls together. Letting Mila have her feelings but also teaching her that having tantrums and not listening isn’t the way to get what she wants. Staying on top of disciplining her when she acts out. As well as staying on top of giving Mila undivided attention that doesn’t always have to be going out and doing something. It can be simple things within the home and even when the baby is around. We are learning. One thing I know for sure is that I’m a very emotional person and when I feel things I tend to cry and really allow myself to feel. While deep in the moment of Mila’s tantrum I often want to yell and pull my hair out. I need to take a deep breath, give Mila some space to feel, and understand she is in the midst of learning sisterhood.
Life happens in seasons. There are really great seasons when things feel like they are in place. There are really sad seasons when things feel like they are broken. There are really turbulent seasons when things are really good but also kinda rocky and take some time to figure out. Seasons look and feel different for everyone. After we put Mila to bed the other night I met Dan in the kitchen and just started to cry. He gave me a hug and told me that this is just our rough season and it will be over soon once we have a bit more time to adjust. He said to just take a breath and look at our children. Remember how lucky we truly are and that we always come out on top. So while we are beyond happy and grateful about bringing home our new baby, things haven’t been so totally perfect. And that is OK! Right now our life is a bit of a mess laced with undeniable beauty. Truthfully, when is it not? ;)
